If I Could Turn Back ...

To seven years ago, I would have been more present, more aware. Not so quick to get a boyfriend, not so quick to "fall in love".

I would have slowed down and said to myself, be careful, not so fast. I would have asked myself if it was truly what I wanted.

I would have hit the brakes when I saw red flags. I would have put myself FIRST. I would have taken a really close, good look at the man in front of me. I would not have let his words become mine so quickly. I would have been more brave to speak up when I didn't like something. I would have followed my heart ❤️

I would have valued me. I would not have justified or made excuses for his behavior. I would not have been so impulsive. I would have been smarter. I would have left and found a new path.

Now ... 1.5 years of marriage, and nothing to show. Every happy moment I ruined. Every milestone marked by pain. Our wounds are open; no one doesn't know. Constant fights, exhaustion, depression, crying, repeat

I was in a misty, cloud. Carried away by the wind. Drifting away from family, friends, him ... Myself. I was wrapped up in loving love. Wanting love.

When the fog was lifted, I saw myself and asked: why did you get married? Didn't you ever ask yourself? Why did you waste so much time? Why? How come? Why? Aren't you ashamed? Are you just STUPID? YES. I am. I am very stupid.

The truth is: I don't know why or how I got here. And I only have myself to blame. I am now 34. With no prospects of ever having children. It's too late to leave, we're in too far now.

The hurt I've caused him. The hurt I've caused a lot of people. The hurt I've caused myself. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Why did I let my happiness slip away? Some days I want to die. Some days I want to scream.

If we part, I will die alone. I will be ridiculed once again. I will never know true happiness because I wasted my youth. I will be another statistic. I will be the talk of the town. All of my mistakes and flaws revealed to the world.
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I could go on about these truths.
These truths I've yet to unpack with my own therapist. The shame, the judgement, the embarrassment.

I am sorry you are struggling.

First of all regretting the past is pointless. It can’t be changed so it’s better to just move in to the future.

Second of all why is it too late to leave? No it’s not. Too deep? In a year and a half snd no kids, divorce is quick. Why can’t you leave? Not suggesting you must get divorced but it surely not too late.

You are a young woman. 34? It’s nothing.

No prospects of having kids? How so? My daughter belongs to a group of moms, there are like ten of them. She gave birth at 34 and she’s the youngest in the group! Everyone is either late 30s or early 40s. Sure it gets harder but it’s common nowadays to have kids later

I had a therapist years ago telling me that longer you stay with wrong men less likely you are to meet the right one. You aren’t and never have been happy with this man. Why stick around? You deserve happiness.

This is 2024. Divorced women aren’t talk of the town or being ridiculed. By whom? Half of marriages end in divorce. No one is ridiculed

I hope you discuss your thoughts wuth your therapist soon

If you could turn back to 7 years ago, why would you have made another decision? You would still have been the 'you' that you were back then and would have had no new information to choose differently.

Having gone through what you went through, *now* you have different information that enables you to make *different* life choices and positively carve your (new) future.

And sorry but 1.5 years of marriage does not condemn you to stay forever in a relationship where you aren't happy. 34 is young! You have your whole life ahead of you.

Do you want to go 7 more years in this stalemate and regret your decision 7 years down the line? You would only repeat the very thing you are now saying you regret.. Make the change now and don't foster even more regret.

I can't afford divorce and I don't think returning to my family would help either. I'm currently estranged with my sibling. The rest of family wouldn't probably be all that shocked that we split.

Sigh.... I really messed up, didn't I?

If I could turn back, I never would have married an abusive narcissist. I would have listened to my gut reactions to red flags that I didn't want to believe. I would have listened better to my inner voice nagging at me. I would have left him at the alter in St Lucia the morning he fought with me on our wedding day. He had exploded on me just days before in a rage over pants that I wouldn't buy for him. I knew then that I was in trouble. I knew on the morning of my wedding day that I was in trouble. But I got married anyways because I couldn't deal with a breakup at the time. The next few months after our wedding were a nightmare. He exploded in rages on me every week. Three weeks after our wedding during one of his rages, he removed his wedding ring and left it on the table telling me we are not married. He tried to break up with me every other weekend after instigating a knock down drag out fight with me, where he hurled insults and hurtful words at me, while screaming at me and chasing me around the home.

I left him four years later. Actually, a year and half after marrying him, I kicked him out for infidelity. Had I known better, I never would have forgiven him and let him back into my home. After getting back together, I kicked him out a second time, and for the final time. I had had enough. Life was not meant to be lived in misery or in abuse. I wanted to be happy again. I missed my former happy go lucky full of life self. She disappeared living under his thumb. He was very controlling too.

Had I to do it over again, I would have listened to my gut in the beginning.

So my advice and the point of sharing my story is to listen to what your gut tells you to do. If your gut tells you that you want better, deserve better, and want to be happy, then listen to that advice you are giving yourself. Don't worry about the cost of divorce. I got divorced and paid only $750. We hired a mediator who was a friend of my ex husband. Granted, I should have had my own lawyer, but this was all I could afford, and it was totally affordable. I've seen most mediators charge about $2500. It's good to hire one when you and your partner are able to agree on how to split up assets and joint ownership of belongings, furnishings etc.

My other bit of advice is that happiness and peace of mind are well worth going through a divorce. I was treated very poorly by my ex. And now I feel at peace and am happier. I am getting my life back again, I feel my true self coming back to life, and I am excited for the next chapter of my new life and newfound freedom. Freedom is empowering and definitely brings greater happiness. And being single has advantages, so there's nothing to be feared. I used to be scared of it, but I've found that I am good company and I can easily entertain myself and be happy.

Divorcing doesn’t necessarily mean returning to your family. You could figure different arrangements like living with a roommate

Divorce doesn’t need to cost anything or much.

How did you live before marrying this man? After such a brief marriage could you just return to the life you had before him?

Do you still work? You were a teacher right? You were at a charter school, if you want better pay go teach at a public school. You’ll be able to manage on your own with stable income. Women don’t need men to survive. Not nowadays. Go live your life. Eventually you’ll dare again and meet a better match, if that’s what you want